During a recent Cabinet meeting, Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. declared that the federal government will identify the root cause of America’s spiraling autism crisis by September thanks to a research initiative ordered by President Donald Trump.

“We are going to know by September,” RFK Jr. said. “We’ve launched a massive testing and research effort that’s going to involve hundreds of scientists from around the world. By September, we will know what has caused the autism epidemic, and we’ll be able to eliminate those exposures.”

Trump emphasized the urgency of the mission. “Think of that,” Trump commented. “It used to be one in 10,000 children had autism, and now it’s one in 31. Not 31,000—31. That’s a horrible statistic, isn’t it? And there’s got to be something artificial out there that’s doing this.”

Turning to Kennedy, Trump pressed for confirmation: “So, you think you’re going to have a pretty good idea?”

“We will—by September,” Kennedy replied firmly.

“There will be no bigger news conference than that,” Trump declared. “That’s it. If you can come up with that answer—where you stop taking something, you stop eating something, or maybe it’s a shot—but something’s causing it. It can’t go from 10,000 to… Can you imagine that, Marco? That’s a big number.”

At NoJabDocs, we have a pretty good guess of what the cause is going to be.